Why did you love him like that?

I get asked this question when people hear about my past. Why did I love him like that and no else before him. Not the first love in high school, not the father of my children, not the man I was engaged to that I met after divorce. But it was the man after him. That was the man that I loved with my whole heart. Why do I love him the way I do? I say I met him after I was defeated. After I felt I gave my all to the men before him. When I thought there was nothing left to give. Then there he was. He wasn’t looking for anything and neither was I. Both defeated, broken hearted from love that wasn’t meant to last. The first night with him felt like a childhood friend I had been reunited with. He made me laugh harder than I had in a long time.

He became my best friend. He helped me find me again. And somewhere in the middle of it I fell in love with him. I feel in love with his strength, his perseverance. How no matter what the world threw at him he handled it and stayed gentle hearted. I fell for his playful heart. How I could be a kid again and race in the middle of the night and sing throw backs with. I fell for how he is so traditional and sees his parents marriage as inspiration on true lasting love. I could say a million ways I fell for him. The way he sung to me late in the night, the way his sweatshirt smelled like him, his big loud laugh.I feel hard. The next question that follows is do I wish I never met him. No, I would never wish that. Even though saying good bye hurt I’m thankful for the time we shared. He made me feel when I was numb. He made my heart explode with love for him. And with big love the cost is even bigger pain when it’s gone. But it is worth it, he was worth it. Every tear after he was gone I would cry again because no one made me smile like he did. No one made me laugh the way he could. Those eyes, that look melted me. Even though he wasn’t ready to believe or accept the love I offered him I still did because I believe he should be loved like that. All of us should. Knowing that I can love like that, that I can feel that way for someone was a gift to me. That the love I have read about is real. I have felt it and even though I haven’t received it yet, I won’t settle for anything less. After him I still struggle. I prayed so much for God to take away my heart ache. For God to deliver this man his soulmate if it isn’t me, for he had dealt with enough pain when it came to love that he needed his person to come into his life. I prayed for God to help me let him go if he is not meant for me. That I needed God to help me to be open to love again, because I was struggling with that since the day we said good-bye. I believed the way I felt for him was a once in a lifetime kindof love. That it’s for soulmates. I‘m not sure if my heart is suppose to love like that again. After days, weeks, months, and many tears God didn’t remove my love I have for this man. I’m realizing maybe God never will. I know there is a purpose or a lesson in that and I will be thankful for it, because it has lasted longer than any love I have ever had. It’s a true love. It taught me if I love again my heart could never let me settle like I have before him. How could I? This man made my heart come alive. He will always have a part of it. This I know. It wasn’t perfect, but it was real. My love for him will never fade. For now I can’t fully give my heart to another, because I haven’t fully gotten it back. I have been honest about this when trying to date and move forward. They say time heals all wounds, but I’m learning only God can heal this One. For now I’m taking a break from trying to move on. I have tried but I have learned my heart isn’t ready. Some love comes to teach and some comes to last. Right now I’m giving my heart to God and trusting it with Him. God will protect it and knows where it should go from here. God has a plan for us all and he knows who’s hands to put my heart in. In His timing. I’m trusting Him. We all deserve to be loved fully, without reservations, whole hearted, and unconditionally. The Bible verse 1 Corinthians 13 4-8 came to mind on what true pure love is. I do believe when you really love someone you do it without expecting anything in return.